How do you get from basketball to the diaconate, with a lot of suffering in between? Here’s one way.
My journey with Christ began back in high school, with an event that looked completely ordinary and non-spiritual. I was playing basketball with some friends when I suffered a back injury for the first time. Little did I know in the moment that my life would completely change.
You see, this injury didn’t go away. Instead, I developed what my doctors thought was chronic neck and back pain, and it has plagued me ever since. Over the years, my list of symptoms grew longer and longer. I loved to play sports growing up, but because of these physical limitations, I had to rediscover who I was.
I began to focus on school by studying and reading. I saw my parents’ great love for learning about our Catholic faith, and I followed their example. Studying the Bible and other books like it, became an ordinary part of my life.
I remember thinking one day, why am I doing this? I was “wasting” so much time reading about God. When would I ever use it? In the moment, it didn’t look as though I would ever use it. But I didn’t care. In the moment, reading about God gave me a joy and a purpose I needed in order to persevere through the physical pains and limitations that I had.
Thanks be to God, about a year ago, I was finally diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called Ankylosing Spondylitis. Now I understood why my body didn’t heal thirteen years ago, when I was in high school. I had an illness that requires treatment. Finally, the mystery was solved, and I had hope of a brighter future.
When I started reading the Bible, I didn’t know what God had planned for my future. All I knew was that it was worth it in the moment. Many years later, I’ve used that knowledge a lot. I taught a Bible study at the Newman Center at Southern Utah University when I was a nursing student. I’ve received two Master’s degrees from St. John’s Seminary. I’m a deacon.
St. Paul tells us in Romans 8:28 that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” I didn’t know what God had planned for my future when my illness began. But God did.
I suffered a lot, and I have to admit that even now it’s tough to accept just how difficult life became. The pain was that bad. What made it impossible to handle was the fact that there was no hope for years, because the doctors didn’t understand why I was in pain.
Yet I’ve received a tremendous blessing through my years of illness. Through it all, I’ve had an encounter with the living God. I can say without a doubt that had it not been for my illness, I wouldn’t have developed a personal relationship with Jesus.
We hear our Protestant brothers and sisters speak about a personal relationship with Christ. That personal relationship is not only for them; it’s for Catholics, too. Because of my illness, I had to reorient my life, to reach out for something that could provide stability. That “thing” that I grabbed onto as I was drowning in despair was our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Think about the sick who encounter Jesus in the Gospels. Their illnesses and pain drove them mad. They searched with all they had for a cure. Think of the woman who spent all she had on doctors, searching for relief, to no avail (Mark 5:24-34). Then think about all the sick who in their madness searched Jesus out. Think about that “obnoxious” blind beggar who heard Jesus passing by (Luke 18:38-43). He screamed out, “Lord Jesus, have mercy on me!” The people around him told him to shut up because the way he was acting was mad. But he screamed out all the more, because he knew healing was worth it! In the eyes of the world, this beggar was acting crazy. Yet his illness freed him to call out to our Lord with all he had, even if it might humiliate him to do so.
If Jesus allows us to be afflicted with illness or some other heavy cross, we can go to our doctors, because they have treatments and cures, but we also need to cry out to him in prayer. He may heal us; after all, anything is possible for God, and healing us is easy for him. But his answer might instead be “I am not going to heal you right now” (see 2 Cor. 12:1-10). That was his answer to me for thirteen years. He may never heal us or free us from the burden. If that’s the case, we are called to cling to him all the more.
God will not abandon us—especially when we are suffering, because that is when he is closest to us. I don’t know the cross you are carrying. But I know that everybody is carrying a cross, and I know that God has good plans in mind for you. Rather than focusing on the pain, let us throw ourselves into the arms of Jesus by praying all the more fervently. Jesus is looking for us to persevere in prayer, and he promises that he will respond . . . even if he doesn’t take away our crosses (Luke 11:5-13).