Allowing Son and Wife Married Outside Church to Sleep Over?

Based on your question, we infer there are no other impediments regarding your son’s marriage. That is, that this is his first marriage and also the first of his civilly married spouse.

Given that scenario, I would welcome your son and his wife over whenever you can and strive to draw them closer to you, Our Lord and his Church, and that would include not allowing them to spend the night. If they live within easy driving distance, that shouldn’t be an issue, as they can easily return home at the end of the day and vice versa if you visit them.

However, if they travel a ways to see you, perhaps they would be willing to stay overnight at a nearby hotel. Or possibly stay overnight at your home but agree not to engage in conjugal relations. If you have younger, impressionable children this would be less advisable, as children probably wouldn’t draw well the moral distinction of their presumed conjugal abstinence. Children would likely see them going into the same bedroom and presume you’re recognizing them as husband and wife.

If they won’t agree to refrain from conjugal relations, I would counsel continued interaction but not let them stay overnight at your home. Actions speak louder than words, as the saying goes. If they refrain from communication because of your decision, look for opportunities to send them kind notes or gifts, e.g., at Christmas or on their birthdays. Ditto with any children you have. Remember that Jesus never gives up on a wayward sheep, and that’s a good witness to give to your grandchildren too. Seek the Lord’s strength in such a trial, which may be prolonged (see Phil 4:13).

In general, I would also periodically encourage your son and his wife to have their marriage blessed in the Church. But, as a priest friend counsels, drawing on the wisdom of St. Thomas Aquinas, such fraternal correction should be done privately, charitably and rarely. It is to be done privately so as not to embarrass the person in front of other people; it is to be done charitably, as we must share the truth in love as Christ did; and it is to be done rarely if the person is an adult, as in the case at hand. Why? Precisely because your son and his civilly married wife are adults. In other words, they should not need to be admonished as a child, which would require more frequency in admonition (due to a younger and less-trained intellect and will). Doing otherwise is likely to be counterproductive. Give them something to think about periodically and ask God to bless your efforts.