. . . Fulton Sheen is a kind of pantyhose.
. . . the 1980 U. S. Olympic hockey team won the Miraculous Medal.
. . . the Sacrament of Penance should be replaced by imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt.
. . . the “three-strikes-and-you’re-out rule” concerns divorce.
. . . Novena is a PBS series.
. . . the most moving religious event you attend this year is Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
. . . the Eleventh Commandment is “Thou shalt not kneel.”
. . . both Madonnas became pregnant in the same fashion.
. . . Pontius Pilate runs a flight school.
. . . the rosary is said only at funeral homes.
. . . the baptismal font is a new typeface in Microsoft Word.
. . . Fatima is Richard Simmons’ weight-loss program for mothers.
. . . “Church Militant” refers to WomanChurch.
. . . it’s odd that St. Francis is always called a sissy.
. . . an icon is something on your computer screen.
. . . the only Latin worth knowing is Gloria Estefan.
. . . confessions may be heard only at Christmas and Easter.
. . . “retreat” means applying more Neosporin.
. . . Aquinas is one of the twelve zodiac signs.
. . . Gregorian Chant was the band fronted by the oldest son on The Brady Bunch.
. . . Mass starts with the Gospel and ends with Communion.
. . . the Beatitudes include “Blessed are those with healthy self-esteem.”
. . . “Ave Maria” is a song from West Side Story.
. . . the Incorruptibles are Dick Clark and Lena Horne.
. . . Phil Donohue’s retirement spells the end of Catholic culture as we know it.
. . . the prophet Jeremiah was a bullfrog.