Many single Catholic women hope not to be single forever, but struggle to find a good husband. Until recently, I was one of them.
I got married at the beginning of 2024, and around the same time, I published a book called Pretty Good Catholic about dating and finding a spouse as a Catholic. Based on my research for the book and my own experience, here are some tips for meeting more Catholic men, getting more dates, and ultimately finding a husband.
First, expand your social circle. If you haven’t married anyone you already know, you probably need to meet new men to have a chance at marriage. But it’s easy to get into a routine that doesn’t provide opportunities to meet many new people.
These days, most young Catholics turn to online dating to meet new eligible singles. This is a great tool if it’s used rightly. Catholic psychologist Greg Bottaro says that “online dating” is a misnomer; instead, we should use dating apps for “online meeting.” Bring the relationship into the real, physical world as quickly as possible.
From talking with friends who have tried online dating, I find that women often struggle to feel interested in a picture and profile on a screen, whereas in real life, a “spark” might happen with the same guy. Keep that in mind as you use “online meeting”; give men a chance for a little longer, even if you don’t feel that initial spark.
Believe it or not, meeting in real life is still possible, too. Try “church-hopping” a bit to find parishes near you that have thriving young adult groups or other social activities you can be involved in outside of Mass. And go national, or even international: attend Catholic or Christian conferences, join pilgrimages, and go on mission trips.
Also, remember that Catholics don’t just go to Catholic-labeled events! Rekindle interests—or find new ones—that include a social element. Recreational sports are great for this, as is any form of partner dancing: swing, ballroom, salsa, etc. (I find that a disproportionate number of Catholics attend public dances!)
Of course, it’s not just where you go; it’s how you go. You’ll need to go in with a mindset that makes you open to meeting new people and being approached by men. Challenge yourself to meet at least one new single guy at every social event. (I’m going easy on you here: Henry Cloud, author of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, challenges his readers to meet five new single people of the opposite sex per week.)
Go with a “wing woman” who will hold you accountable for your “eligible man” quota. Then separate from her for portions of the event so you’re approachable. Men often complain that the women they are interested in are always with their friends, so they can’t find a moment to ask them out. Put your phone away, look around the room, smile, and make eye contact. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to prompt a man to start a conversation with you. If he doesn’t, you can always say hello and start some casual small talk yourself.
Also, let’s face it: men’s attention is usually caught by the outside, before they get to know the inside. Your appearance will matter. Catholic men usually say they like a woman who looks “feminine”—in other words, like a woman. There are lots of ways to look like a woman, but consider what uniquely “feminine” touches you can incorporate into your appearance while still looking and feeling like yourself: more dresses, a new hairstyle, maybe a little bit of makeup? Regardless, figure out what colors and silhouettes enhance your natural beauty the most. Of course, taking good care of your health and hygiene goes a long way, too.
Once you’ve met a new man, you’ll need to send strong signals that you’re open to being asked out. Many men have told me they struggle to know whether a woman is interested in them, and that they need some encouragement before they make a move.
So learn the art of appropriate flirtation! If you’re interested in a guy, you may find you want to smile and laugh more than usual or even lean a little closer to him when he’s talking. Do it! If you tend to become shy or freeze up when you’re interested in someone, you may need to make concrete efforts not to self-sabotage: make eye contact more often and for longer than you usually do, and keep your whole body, including your feet, turned toward him during your conversation.
If your interest persists, but he doesn’t make it clear he reciprocates, you can proceed to stronger hints. When you have the chance to work it into conversation, hint that you would love to plan an activity together: “I haven’t been kayaking this summer yet, but I’d love to! Where do you usually go?” Hopefully, he’ll pick up this “dropped hanky” and ask you out.
Once you do get a date, or even before that, it can be tempting to switch to analysis mode right away: “Is he my type? Is he ‘husband material’?” Yes, you will need to do considerable reflecting and discerning as the relationship progresses, but there’s no need to do it all at once. Pace yourself.
I’ll share some advice I heard from several matchmakers, date coaches, and even a priest as I was researching for my book: get to know him on a “one date at a time” basis for up to three months before using the “boyfriend” label. During this time, slow-roll both physical affection and emotional intimacy. Think of this initial stage of dating as a time to build a friendship as a foundation for discerning marriage more concretely later.
During this stage, it is perfectly okay to go on dates with more than one person, if you have the opportunity and want to. In fact, I recommend doing so; it can help you avoid getting over-committed to anyone too quickly, and it just seems wise to get to know each potential match at least a little before deciding to commit or reject. Just be honest with each man, after the first or second date, that you’re not ready to be exclusive yet. The script I used that worked well was, “I’m getting to know a few people right now, and I won’t be ready for an exclusive relationship for a couple more months, but if you’re comfortable with that, I’d love to go out again.”
As you get to know him, allow the more serious marriage-discernment topics to come up organically, or ask questions a little at a time, without turning your dates into job interviews. Does he have a strong faith that’s compatible with yours? Is marriage an important goal for him in the foreseeable future? Does he want children? Do you align on your beliefs and desires regarding the roles of husband and wife? Do you communicate well with each other and even disagree well, with honesty and charity? These are just some of the important questions you’ll need to ponder as you gradually assess whether he’s a good husband for you, and you a good wife for him.
Most importantly, pray for guidance, and observe the fruits of the relationship. If your relationship isn’t making you holier and happier now, marrying him probably won’t, either. If it is making you holier and happier, that’s a good sign that you should keep moving forward.